cebii

to be or not to be

All sorts of interesting things happened yesterday. Kaia made plans to meet with her biomom/sisters at the mall. She was hesitant about having us there because last time her mother 'got sick' and she was afraid the illness had to do with meeting us. Holly made it clear that we don't leave our kids hanging to dry and said we'd be there, we would hang out elsewhere, if she wanted, but we'd be in the building. And we're not wicked witches, we are mature enough to be pleasant and keep any judgmental thoughts to ourselves.

These types of meetings are very painful for us. We've done our best to parent these girls for three or four years. We've tried to build trust and self confidence and overcome abuse and neglect. In every case, their biomoms were a major cause of the problem, but they keep running back. If they can't run back, they romanticize the memories - their biomoms did the best they could, she was addicted, she didn't understand how to deal with me.... They love their biomoms. They know it hurts us, and we know they can't help it. I guess we are all wired to love our mother figures.

It is very difficult for us to view these women objectively. We deal with the results of the abuse, neglect and molestation that these women caused or let happen. They lose girls who are effed up, come back for the finished product, and totally miss the nightmares that come out in the middle.

The meeting seemed to go well. We ate lunch together in the foodcourt, then Kaia went off with them to shop and we shopped for clothes for M, who was with us for the afternoon. Her family was polite and nice and her mom seemed to be in a sane place. She privately thanked Holly and me for the work we'd done. Kaia seemed to enjoy herself.

One thing that we never let work us over are the threats to go back. The first time it comes out the answer is if you want to live with your bio family, thats up to you. We won't be manipulated.

E is dealing with her bio environment pretty much like we expected. We'd like to think that her taking BG home to small town hell yesterday and promising to come back, alone, in time to start community college on Tuesday is a big step. We know that she might fall off again, even several times. I think that she sees Holly and me for what we are, and that we only have her best interest at heart. She honestly can't say that about her biofamily or practically anyone in small town hell.

We had a visit with M yesterday. She asked me why Kaia would choose to not tell her family about her name change. I told her she didn't want to hurt her biomom's feelings. M's first response, was "SO?" then she stopped her self and admitted that she wouldn't want to hurt her mom's feelings, either. I was impressed that she sees this so young.

posted by cebii @ 7:39 AM